This summer I had the awesome pleasure of doing a bible study with a group of ladies mostly from our church who mostly homeschool. We were in all seasons of life. Quite a few were sending their baby boys off to college, some were expanding their families, and others were comfy raising a broad age range of kids. We had a commonality, we were women who were resting in the word for 9 week period. Taking time out of our summer to come together for fellowship and study. The study that we did was Beth Moore's Esther It's Tough Being a Woman. Over the course of nine weeks we dove into the book of Esther. Examining a book of the Bible that did not mention God but had God all over it. Beth came up with 7 scenarios to "It's tough being a woman...". One of those was ......in the tight fist of fear. Here I am 10 days into my diagnosis sitting in that tight fist of fear. I do not handle unknowns well. And frankly the unknown of when will my cells start to betray me and go cancerous has me fearful. BUT and this is a huge but at the end of the study Beth provides "turn arounds" to each scenario. For being held in the tight fist of fear she provides the verses Deuteronomy 33:29 and Nehemiah 4:6-14 She goes on to say that when we are held in the tight fist of fear God is holding onto us so tightly that we are engraved upon his hands. God is holding me tightly, while I cry, panic, question, and mourn. Fear is losing its grip on me because my God is bigger and stronger. I still have moments of fear and doubt and anger but I am quickly reminded of who holds my life in His hands. It is so not easy to get a diagnosis that leads to something radical but with my God and the support of our family and friends we can get through this.
Tonight we updated our Real Life Group (our church small group) on my situation. Tonight I was surrounded by a body of believers ready and willing to serve my family in tangible ways, prayer, conversation, loving on us. This is what it means to be in the body of Christ. This summer during Avery's surgery and brief one nighter in the hospital the ladies of the aforementioned bible study and our RLG provided meals for our family so that we could focus on taking care of Avery. When I had my lumpectomy/biopsy surgery they again stepped up and provided meals so that John wouldn't have to worry about it. They provided childcare as well. During this trial all ready they have provided me with emotional support, referrals, shoulders to cry on, ears to bend, and cheesecake :). They have cried with me, prayed over me and supported me. When the time comes for surgery rest assured they will once again take care of our physical and spiritual needs.
I hate being the one with meals being provided, seems we have been on the receiving end of these two great groups for the past two months especially. But when I am healthy again it will be my season of giving. For now I feel the love as I rest in His hands free from the tight fist of fear. It's still tough being a woman.
Thank you to my RLG (especially the poor men in the group who probably know more than they ever wanted to) your prayers over me tonight were balm to my hurting heart. Yours tears as you wept with me and your laughter as we joked about picking out a new rack were just what I needed. Not even sure if anyone in my group reads this but know that I love each one of you.
For such a time as this ........For such a time as this.