Monday, June 20, 2011

Confession......I'm scared

I came home from a perfectly enjoyable afternoon at a friends pool to the news that my doctors office had called not 10 minutes before.  I had failed to grab my phone when I left earlier, an unusual event for me.  So with that news I quickly hit call on my cell and was greeted with the nurses voice mail.  I grabbed the little form they had sent home with me asking me to call back in 10 business days (still 6 days away) and dialed that rang.....and rang.......and rang while my blood pressure climbed.  The third time I attempted the number the nurse picks up and says the line is down and transfers me to the nurse whose voicemail I get again.  My heart races and I try to repeat I Peter 5:7 to myself and I.just.can't.
Why?  Why am I panicking over a missed call?  Two years ago a simple doctors visit sent my life into a tail spin.  That simple little fibroid adenoma my surgeon removed "just to be cautious" turned out to have Stage 0 LCIS attached to it.  Even typing that out my throat is thickening and tears are welling like it was yesterday.  Even then a simple visit to the oncologist leads me to a decision I had rebelled again over cheesecake with a dear friend who was walking me through my diagnosis.  Even after I was cleared my oncologist dropped another bomb of my iron being very low and needing infusions twice.  I had let my guard down last week when I stepped into the office of my GYN for an annual appointment.  I was overdue by a year and figured I needed to get in there again.  I say a NP, my doctor was out on maternity leave, who was very understanding and supportive of my decisions.  So a simple doctors visit just isn't even in my vocabulary anymore.  Now 6 days before I am supposed to call in for results of blood work and other female tests they are calling me...and I'm scared.  I missed the 4pm cutoff so I won't hear back until tomorrow.
Dinner has gone unplanned so hubby is cooking.....he shouldn't have to.
I'm crying and paralyzed......I shouldn't be.
I'm creeping towards the edge of a pit I promised I would never go back to.....I shouldn't be.

The only good I see in this is that my hallway full of stuff kicked out of the schoolroom might get cleaned up tonight with all my nervous energy.


BETHANY said...

Praying, Traci, for the peace that passes understanding to guard your heart and mind through the night until you have actual facts to work with.

Jen said...

Nervous energy is almost better motivation than watching an episode of Hoarders. ((hugs)) Did they test your blood? Maybe it's the iron again?? I'm praying for you. If you want to go out for ice cream or something later, let me know. My treat. ;-)

Susan in the Boonies said...

I understand all too well what it means to be on high alert from medical stuff. Once you've gotten bad news...and more bad's just hard to shut that conditioned adrenaline response down. We want to protect our hearts...if only we could.

I will pray. Standing in prayer for GOOD news, Traci! I am asking for you to receive comfort from the Holy Spirit Himself, and an ability to trust the One who holds all things together, by the power of His mighty right hand. He holds us together, when we cannot hold ourselves.


Andrea said...

Oh, i know the lump in the throat when the doc calls. Every stinkin' time my heart races. And having to wait? It kills me. Praying hard for you.

Robin said...

I have no words of confidence just offering a little comfort and a reminder that it's perfectly okay to be scared. *hug*