I came home from a perfectly enjoyable afternoon at a friends pool to the news that my doctors office had called not 10 minutes before. I had failed to grab my phone when I left earlier, an unusual event for me. So with that news I quickly hit call on my cell and was greeted with the nurses voice mail. I grabbed the little form they had sent home with me asking me to call back in 10 business days (still 6 days away) and dialed that number.....it rang.....and rang.......and rang while my blood pressure climbed. The third time I attempted the number the nurse picks up and says the line is down and transfers me to the nurse whose voicemail I get again. My heart races and I try to repeat I Peter 5:7 to myself and I.just.can't.
Why? Why am I panicking over a missed call? Two years ago a simple doctors visit sent my life into a tail spin. That simple little fibroid adenoma my surgeon removed "just to be cautious" turned out to have Stage 0 LCIS attached to it. Even typing that out my throat is thickening and tears are welling like it was yesterday. Even then a simple visit to the oncologist leads me to a decision I had rebelled again over cheesecake with a dear friend who was walking me through my diagnosis. Even after I was cleared my oncologist dropped another bomb of my iron being very low and needing infusions twice. I had let my guard down last week when I stepped into the office of my GYN for an annual appointment. I was overdue by a year and figured I needed to get in there again. I say a NP, my doctor was out on maternity leave, who was very understanding and supportive of my decisions. So a simple doctors visit just isn't even in my vocabulary anymore. Now 6 days before I am supposed to call in for results of blood work and other female tests they are calling me...and I'm scared. I missed the 4pm cutoff so I won't hear back until tomorrow.
Dinner has gone unplanned so hubby is cooking.....he shouldn't have to.
I'm crying and paralyzed......I shouldn't be.
I'm creeping towards the edge of a pit I promised I would never go back to.....I shouldn't be.
The only good I see in this is that my hallway full of stuff kicked out of the schoolroom might get cleaned up tonight with all my nervous energy.